Good Morning Everyone!I honestly hope that this post finds you having a better day than I am. It is very rare that I post something like this but I have come to except that sometimes a girl just needs to vent. Especially since that girl lives in a town 6 hours from her entire family & has yet to make friends locally. Add in that she is 38/39 weeks pregnant... disaster is ahead shortly if some sort of venting does not occur.
*So please be warned that this post will not be chipper or cheery* I do not blame you if you do not wish to read ahead. However, I do ask that you keep me in your thoughts. Things are super tough for me right now.
*****Let me just start off by saying that I am thankful for everything that I have been given in my life. Though things are not peachy- I am not very optimistic that I would be this well off if my life had taken a different path. I'd probably be just as 'broken' as I am currently feeling that I am. In the last 3 years that I have been with my husband there have been ups & downs. The typical ranges of emotion that come with being a military family. However, there have also been many battles from him going through his first divorce to our completely different backgrounds. I was raised in a dysfunctional, yet nurtured family. He... well... was raised in a dysfunctional, stern family. To say the least- we are completely different people. On completely opposite sides of the spectrum. This should have been a red flag in the beginning... but nope. I still took the time to fall in love.
When I became pregnant with my son, things went from being pretty strained to wonderful. One of our biggest battles had been over him staying up late playing video games. Resulting in my going to bed alone and him falling asleep on the couch or me having to literally fight him outta bed in the morning for work. Once I became pregnant with Bubbie- it was like he took more time for me. More time for us. We were a family. Not just roommates that happen to share the same bed. The sad part about all of this is that sometimes I feel that we could have made this last. We were on to something wonderful. But 10 days after the Bubbie was born... Deployment struck. He was off to Afghanistan, while I was off to Texas.
Over the next year I raised our son (with support from his family) the way I had been raised to care for people. Things were strained at times because it was my first child & our first deployment apart. He became stressed about money like many do when they're over there but for some unknown reason, it boiled down to being
my fault. I was oceans away, doing all I could to hold things together, & blame was the thanks I got. It took it's toll & I honestly believe that it tore me away from him a ton.
12 Months later, he came home safely- unlike a handful of his battle buddies. As you can probably imagine, losing guys that close to him changed him even more. What had turned into something wonderful before he left, came back strained and broken. My heart was still hurt over the arguments even though I was excited that he was home at home. I loved him but it would take work to fall back in love with him. It sounds so cliche' to say it that way but it's the truth. In it's entirety. A month or so went by before I told him how I was feeling. Till this day I still get it thrown back in my face. Even though you are supposed to be able to open up to your partner about anything. Without worry over scorn or judgment. Unfortunately, he just wasn't raised that way.
This current pregnancy was not planned on my part. I was off of my birth control for about a week due to the medication I was taking from gallbladder surgery. He knew I didn't want another child that soon after my son but went ahead and 'risked it' anyways. I knew the exact moment it happened that we were in for it. Later he admitted that he knew what he was doing. This bothers me to no end. Bringing another child into such an unbalanced household. We just weren't ready for baby #2. But she'll be here in less than one week. I love her to no end already but some days I battle with the fact that she was not planned. The fact that she is being brought into the life of two people who only have it together every other week makes me sad. She & her brother both deserve the very best in life. Peaceful, Calm parents who are on the same page. We both love our kids, just in completely different ways. Our raising tactics go back to the ways we were raised & I refuse to let my kids turn out with the negative lime light on life that their father seems to have.
I've tried talking things out with him, letting him know how I feel. He's never in the wrong. My pleas are usually 'games' to him. We're back to him playing video games all night even though he'll return to bed on a regular schedule after block leave is over (only so I can be his alarm clock at 5am). He sees no point in 'wasting time sleeping' even though I feel he should be in bed sometime during the night with his wife. Heck- at least cuddling with his son who he will be leaving, for another 12 months, here in a few short months. The thought of waking up to contractions or my water breaking with my husband still downstairs playing STUPID video games breaks my heart even further. But still- he just doesn't get it. I make no sense to him or am over reacting. I try not to take it personally but some days I feel like writing a letter thanking his parents for what I live with.
He has the hugest heart in the world but sometimes I believe he simply lacks the skills to use it. He loves his family endlessly but lacks in the affection department. I am not excusing the way he treats me. There are times that I am definitely not the best wife but I think I do a pretty damn good job at it. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of our son 24/7... I do all these things though sometimes I just do not feel like it. He praises me here & there but still jumps to rub it in my face that he has to wake up early every morning to go to work. Something that I do not have to do... Bull Malarky! I work everyday... He says he'd trade places with me anytime. Yet, my son drives him mad when I make a simple trip to the store and leave them alone together. Just wait till Em' gets here. He wouldn't last a day doing what I do in a day. I wouldn't even risk it though... is that bad for me to say about the father of my children?!
There have been many times I have planned leaving. A couple times he disabled my truck. Saying that I could leave but I wasn't taking our son or the truck... It just happened to be the day before we moved up here to Virginia. Sometimes I wish I would have let my mom come get me & Bubbie. Many times have crossed my mind that included me leaving and going back home to N. Carolina. However, it's not as easy as others seem to think it is. I do love him. I want this to work. I'm scared of starting over. We always end up mending things for a few weeks before it all starts over again. I pray at night that things will get better. By some grace of God he'd see what I was trying to say. I'm not very optimistic about that happening but yet... I stay.
He is about to deploy & when he gets home... I'll still be here. It's just in my hopes that while he's gone I am able to pull myself together. For my children & for myself. I've become so lost and broke over the last year that sometimes it scares me. I would never do anything to risk my life. I love my kids too much for that. However, at times I feel crazy. Completely and udderly crazy. Most times he doesn't help me to see otherwise. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that it's all going to be okay. Not someone that looks at me saying, "You knew how I was before you married me..." How does one respond to that exactly?!?
So with all of that out and said... Please keep me in your thoughts. I'm trying not to stress too much because Em' is slowly on her way. But my heart is broken and my mind is scattered. Feelings are numb. Quite honestly- my kids are my only Saving Grace!
