(MaryHelen, lil' Bubbie, & her great-grandson Will)
You've visited me in my dreams a time or two. My waking hours find me missing you. My dreams are sweet as if you are still here. Most would say that you are still here. Your presence can be found in the machines & cloth that you passed down to me. My hands are able to touch the same pages that your have thumbed though numerous times in the books you gave to me the last time we visited with one another. However, all these things are bitter sweet memories. Your memories make me smile, do not get me wrong, but then again- I'm not coping very well. Letting go has never been a strong point of mine. I want to still be able to pick up the phone and call. Your number is still in my phone. It's been how many months now? In the late hours of the night I even called it by accident once. Then again- at the time maybe it was a sign that I had needed. Still... my heart hurts.
This year is bringing so many wonderful things my way. The spiritual side of me hopes that you are above watching and rejoicing that things are finally going right for me. For the kids. We are on the path of things being comfortable for us. Things are improving above my highest expectations and yes, I'd like to think that you may have had a hand in it all. Yes- I'm sure you are up there watching. Cheering me on. And if you did have a hand in our success... Thank You. And if not, Thank you anyways.
I could take hours to Thank you for the things that you have given me over the 25 years that I have known you. It would take days to cover the exact amount of gratitude that I have towards you. But no, I chose to keep these things private between you and I. As my mind ticks off each bullet point I can only hope that it helps my heart heal. The hurt is too much at times but then again, at least I was able to know you. Those years you looked over me. The numerous memories and conversations we shared; These are the things that will take me down the path of grieving.
I miss you. I love you. And above all- I'll continue to make you proud.